"You know you must be doin' somethin' right if old people love you." --Dave Chappelle

These days, I've only got crushes on a lot of guys.
Problem is, they're all either under 6, or over 60.

In addition to volunteering in a kindergarten classroom, where I have amassed an unhealthy number of five-year old crushes, I spent last weekend volunteering at the Veterans Home of California in Yountville.

Located in the scenic Napa Valley, its claim to fame is being home to the largest veteran cemetery in the nation. Personally, I think it is better known for housing the nation's cutest, nicest little old folks.

Don't let the image fool you...it's not all bingo and dinner before the sun goes down--(although, yes, there's that, too)--they've also got bowling, a 9-hole golf course, and a tavern where you can take the edge off with some beer and popcorn, complete with a nurse standing by to assist with swallowing. Naturally.

A few of my favorite quotes from the weekend:

"My wife is slow, too, but she's old. What's your excuse?!"
--Mr. Mowry, critiquing my overly-cautious wheelchair pushing style

"What is this? Did I steal this?"
--Mr. Kunka, on pretty much anything in front of him

Although I can't be with my favorite new friends, I am doing my best to honor them by napping frequently and eating dinner at 4:30pm. If you'll excuse me, I'd better be getting to bed--it's nearly 8 o'clock.

queenpin

CJ: We own.
Paula: It's true.

Basically a picture is worth a thousand words. I rule.

on the catwalk. literally.

no, no, i'm not talking about modeling. kate moss and tyra banks don't know nothin' 'bout this type of catwalk.

because it's a real woman.
with a real cat.
on a real leash.
in my real backyard.

ironically, she's not the same woman who calls for her cat, using the full capacity of her lungs and vocal cords, everyday when i'm arriving home from work. this is a new and different character in the 'hood.

she joins a kooky cast of characters...

1. real cat lady.
see above.

2. david.
you might know him from his appearance as the guy who gets high on meth and throws his couch out the window because he believes there are monsters under it. or if you missed that episode, he's also the guy who gets high on meth and goes streaking at 8:15 in the morning. in a follow-up role, he is wrestled to the ground by police and subdued with a green bedspread which he believes is an alligator.

3. child molester.
best known for a short lived performance as, well...see above. he will be taking a sabbatical, due to the fact that he is serving 6-8 years in a minimum security prison. awesome.

4. trench coat guy.
well, dude wears a trench coat, obviously. and he is ALWAYS on his cell phone, saying things like, "the magnitude of the situation is incomprehensible."

5. 14-year old girlfriend of trench coat guy.
gets dropped off by a cab every evening, after #1, real cat lady (see above,) has been yelling "PETEY! PETEY!" for about 12 minutes. she arrives in stripper-wear, because this is her profession, and is picked up by aforementioned cab at approximately 7:30, when i am brushing my teeth.

as you can see, west second avenue has proven itself to be entertaining at the very least. what it lacks in safety and cleanliness, it makes up for in meth addicts and cat walkers. fair trade, i'd say.

hallmark shmallmark.

not that i have anything against america's most well-loved card company, honest. but why would i pay $2.99 for a regular card, when i can make theeeese?!

group shot.

asian infusion.
(rachel's fave.)


magic carpet.
(chris' fave.)


grass-eating giraffes.
(except, in nature, they rarely bend down, so this is innacurate.)

now i'll have to start making them for uber-specific occasions, like hallmark does...

"congratulations on becoming a surrogate parent and moving into a new house! and by the way, get well soon!"

they've been going like hotcakes, and i've only been in business for two days. i've been getting very positive feedback, which is encouraging. rachel's dad said he liked my "sewy things," my mom didn't even believe it wasn't store-bought, and kyle is paying me to make one for his mom for mother's day.

today: greeting cards, tomorrow: the world!
well, actually, tomorrow i'll probably just sleep in and eat ice cream all day...but i'll look into the whole conquering the world business if there's time.

in other news, i've got another ear infection. 'cause apparently my ear canals are tiny and conducive to bacterial growth. awesome. damn you, tiny canals, damn you.

the shame game.

shame has been brought to my name. by whom, you ask? by, you guessed it, a girl named paula. specifically, the thinnest and blondest new cast member of the Real World. New Paula, (or NP as she will be referred to henceforth,) is...how you say...

oh, yeah, ANOREXIC.

at first glance, NP seems like a normal enough cast member of the R-Dub. thin, bleach blonde, kindofa bitch...the youzsh. but what you aren't aware of just by looking at her is just how dramatic she is. girl's a train wreck fo' sho. i won't get into specifics, but NP has ranted, raved, cried, and starved herself into an enemy. namely, this paula, who is not looking forward to introducing herself to people and being told, "OH, like the whiny anorexic girl on real world??"

naaaaaaah.

thank you, New Paula. i hate you. go get some therapy, and eat a freaking sandwich.

sperm + angelina jolie = conan

soo, i was right. little conan definitely was dreaming of ways to punish me. he transformed into young adult today and now he's Fugly. with a capital F. and i'm not exaggerating. the most accurate way to describe him came in an IM conversation with Rachel...

pauliwog03: dude, my tamagotchi morphed today
pauliwog03: and now he looks like a sperm with angelina jolie's lips

the sad thing is, i'm pretty i love him less now that he's not cute. i'm becoming more and more glad that i'm not a real mother.

motherhood.

Name: Conan
Age: 3
Weight: 21 pounds
Nationality: Alien?

i'm a beast of a mother, i am. really, i shouldn't be trusted with a helpless young life. even if that life happens to be an electronic one.

no, i've never given birth, but i am a proud parent...of a tamagotchi.

i've been quite attentive with the chef hat icon (food), the toilet icon (bathroom), and the baseball bat icon (playtime), and have never let his hunger or happiness meter fall below 3 out of 4 hearts. i've raised him well for the little-over-three-days that i've had him, if i do say so myself. but then there was today...

i came back to my room after extended time away, and had just sat down when i was alerted by conan's not-so-happy beeping noises. i jumped up from my desk and, while muttering some choice phrases, frantically searched for my beeping child. i finally found little conan among the sheets and blankets of my bed. i won't lie, things were looking grim.

he had NONE of the 4 hearts in either category, and was surrounded by not one, but two, piles of his own feces. his back was turned, he was utterly unresponsive to praise, and completely disinterested in playing his favorite game, (and mine,) 'Jump.' ohh, it was bad, folks.

after cleaning him up, feeding him 4 meals, 2 snacks, and a treat, conan was finally ready to play, and allow himself to be cheered up. after countless games of 'Jump', the poor lil guy fell asleep, his meters at full capacity. he's still resting now, most likely dreaming of creative ways to punish me for being a bad parent.

now i know what the reset button on the back is for.

awesome.

jumping in mud puddles is basically the best thing ever. becky and i were bored, and it started to rain so we thought, locially, "hey, let's go outside in shorts and t-shirts!" next thing you know, we went for a dip in the creek that runs through campus. illegal? yes. worth it? yes.